Bum Reviews: Ice Age: Continental Drift
by Villain84
Summary: Chester A. Bum reviews Ice Age 4: Continental Drift. Oneshot. Monologue Format. Bum's Point of View. Rated T for some strong language. Enjoy! Please Read and Review.


And now it's time for _Bum Reviews_ with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's Review: _Ice Age: Continental Drift_.

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OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

Where's the spoilers... There they are!

There's this mammoth named Manny, who's voiced by the guy from that sitcom!

_Everybody Hates Chris_! (Apologies to Chris Rock)

And he's hanging out with his buddies, Sid the Sloth and Diego the saber!

Oh, and he's raising his daughter named Peaches, that was born in the last movie, but... by now is already a teenager.

Kind of a weird transition there. What, nothing interesting happened in all those years? And how old are our heroes by now anyway?

So the daughter has a crush on a mammoth played by Drake!

WOAH! Oh my God! Drake is in this movie?

I had a crush on Drake once! Ever wonder what inspired him to write that song "Fear"?

So she tries to talk to Drake, but then Manny is like,

"I told you no talking to boys! You're grounded!"

But he does it right in front of all her friends! And she's like,

"I can't believe you did that! I hate you!"

"Aw, wait, come on sweetie, let's talk about this!"

What a great father! He scolds her for disobeying him, ruins her social life, and then wusses out and tries to reason with her! Isn't that what all good fathers do?

So anyway, Sid's family shows up next!

"Hi, we're Sid's family, bye!"

Wow, that was short.

But it's okay, because they leave Sid with his grandma, Wanda Sykes! ...wait, oh, shit!

And there's this little squirrel named Scrat, who's trying to burry his acorn, and he somehow makes a... mountain split... open and falls into the Earth's core, and... causes a big earthquake that makes Pangea split apart...

When did _Ice Age_ turn into a _Looney Tunes_ cartoon?

I guess the directors of the Scrat scenes took a lot of acid when they planned them out! And I would know what that feels like!

So the whole world starts splitting apart, and Manny gets separated from his family!

At first, he's like,

"Woah, that's a big crack. I'll just slowly walk over..."

But his mate Ellie is like,

"There's a big crack between us! Hurry and get over here!"

"Ah, too late! The gap is too big! I guess I'm stuck going on a wild adventure with my guy friends here!"

"And you're just leaving me in charge of our daughter and the herd?"

"Yep!"

"Son of a bitch!"

So Manny and his friends get swept out to see and into the storm, where they fight raging waves and a giant crab!

And the crab is like,

"Hi, I'm here to make the trailers look cool. Bye!"

And they also fly up into a tornado where they see a rainbow! Hey, A _Super Smash Bros. Brawl_ reference!

So the gang gets further out into sea, until they get picked up by this this crew of animal pirates, lead by a gorilla named Captain Gutt!

Oh my God! Animal pirates! That is so awesome! I've been waiting to see pirates in an Ice Age movie! I know! When I saw the first Ice Age movie, I was thinking to myself "This movie needs pirates." Isn't that what everyone was thinking when they saw the first Ice Age movie?

And there's also this girl tiger named Shira. And when she came up, all the furries in the theatre are like,

"OMG It's Shira! I'm gonna have an orgasm! She's so hot!"

And she's played by Jennifer Lopez!

"If you're an animal get up on the ship!"

And Diego has the hots for her! At first they hate each other and are fighting, which obviously means they're going to get together by the end!

So Manny is like,

"We're just trying to get back to the continent. Just passing through, think you can give us help or directions?"

And Captain Gutt is like,

"No! You're all my prisoners now! And I'm taking your boat!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm an asshole!"

So the good guys escape from Captain Gutt's big bad bitchin' boat, destroying it in the process, and drift off to a new island populated by little hamsters!

And it turns out the hamster island is Gutt's port!

Oh, by the way, there's a subplot about Peaches dealing with common teenage girl insecurities and learning about what real friends are, hanging out with the Drake mammoth more, but who care's about that! Let's go back to the animal pirates!

So Manny and his friends raid the port and free all the little hamsters, and then steal a boat from the Captain. And Shira helps him too!

But then the gorilla gets pissed, and he decides he wants revenge! So he gets his crew together and go after our heros.

But first, Gutt talks to Shira, and he's like,

"How dare you help them escape! When this is over, I'll have a tiger rug, one way or another!"

"Wait, you're still gonna keep me around?"

"Yes."

"But I betrayed you. I'm clearly not on your side anymore. Why don't you kill me now?"

"Because I don't want the furries to hate me!"

Oh, and there's this subplot about Scrat trying to find the lost city of Scratlantis, which is filled with good old Looney Tunes style slapstick,

But who cares about that? Animal Pirates!

So on the way back, Manny and his friends come across a reef infested with Sirens.

I saw a siren once! I thought it was Hayden Panettiere, but then it just turned out to be Lindsey Lohan!

Hey, wait, sirens in _Ice Age_. That... makes no sense. There are already pirates in this movie! They had to add sirens to the mix?

Oh well, it doesn't matter. The sirens are only there for about two minutes, only get two short scenes, and pretty much have no impact on the plot or characters. They're pretty much pointless.

_A Big-Lipped Aligator Moment!_

Woah! When did I get _that_ effect?

So Manny and his friends get back to the main land, but it turns out Captain Gutt and his crew beat them there! And now they're holding their family and friends hostage!

"Haha! We got your loved ones! Now come over here and fight us to rescue them!"

"Wait, wait! Hold on a second."

"What?"

"How did you get back here before us? I mean we left the harbor before you did, and we never saw you pass us..."

"Are you really going to question that at this point?"

"Not really."

"Showdown time!"

So the good guys and bad guys are fighting and fighting and fighting!

But then Granny Sykes has a surprise! She has a bet whale that's been following her around this whole time!

"Come on here, precious! Eat them yummy pirates now, will ya?"

But then the other good guys are like,

"Wait, you had a whale this whole time and you never had him help us?"

"Yeah, what's it too ya?"

"Well, why didn't he help us before? We could have used him."

"I dunno. That's never explained."

"Well, it's not like there wasn't enough hammered-in build-up to him anyway."

So the good guys defeat the evil Captain Gutt, and take their ship all the way across the sea again back to Hamster island, and everyone is happy. Manny and his daughter make-up, Sid's bitchy Granny decides to stay, and all the furries get to see Shira and Diego get together!

And this is all build-up for_ Ice Age 5_! I wonder what it will be about! What can they do to milk this franchise even more? Maybe the whole world will explode! A meteor shower! Maybe magic will somehow come into play! At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they went with.

This is Chester A. Bum saying- Change! Ya got change? Aw, come on! Help a guy out will ya? Come on! Change!

You know the people at _Blue Sky_ are making millions for these movies! By that logic, my reviews should be making me a couple thousand a month!

**Author's Notes: Seriously though, _Ice Age 4_ was a decent movie. I actually liked it more than the third one. I stated that as myself, not as Doug. Doug probably thought this movie was really stupid. Although I am curious to know what he thinks of the series, of each installment.**

**I do not own _Bum Reviews_ or_ Ice Age_. I do not profit from this story.**


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